Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, and All of Our Hair Clogs The Bathroom Drain

Recently I made a gigantic life decision and decided to move in with my amazing boyfriend Ryan.  Now, before I start in on my list of observations I've found while living with my partner, I will make this disclaimer just so everyone knows this is all written with a wink and a smile.

RYAN IS SO GREAT AND I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE THAN FOOD THAT IS SALTY AND SWEET AT THE SAME TIME.

Sorry, NutRageous.

Now that I got that out of the way, let's get down to the nitty-gritty, which is that the first few months of living with your significant other can be compared to Jane Goodall's career.  You feel like a completely different species from them- boy or girl, gay or straight.  Even if you've spent years in a relationship, you will begin learning new things about this person the second you get a shared set of keys.

"You don't like coconut?  What do you mean?  Who doesn't like cocunut?  How didn't I know that about you?  But didn't you eat macaroons s at your sister's Quincenera the other night?  Oh coconut  COOKIES don't count?  Hmmmmmmmm....."

Ryan and I have been living together for over a month, and both of us have shacked up with exes in the past-  because of this, and many talks had with friends who have recently decided to co-inhabit, I know that these realizations aren't confined to only my relationship:

PINTEREST WONDERLANDS WEREN'T BUILT IN A DAY.

Here's a short list within a list of things I've said I will have in my new apartment:

Chalkboard wall

Patio bistro set

Accent wall with adorable wallpaper, probably chevron patterned

Friends and family sterling silver picture frame wall

Energy saving lightbulbs in every lighting fixture

Every powder or grain from our pantry stored in cute bottles

Drafting table
Collection of vintage aprons

Vanity

Every single thing we own labeled
Printed Instagram photos

Pet bowls mounted on wall
Magnetic makeup storage
A really clean washing machine that I clean with homemade gunk
And a pool.

Seriously just shut the fuck up, Pinterest. 

That's just for starters, of course.  I haven't begun to touch on how I will antique all of our furniture by hand.

Pinterest and Etsy have both illuminated the beauty of home life and destroyed every woman's confidence.  We all want to nest and decorate and have this warm, amazing base to curl up in at night with our partner while we watch Dexter marathons and knit homemade tea cozies.

However, sometimes men have an opinion on what they want their house to look like, too! 

WHAT?!  

Go read your Sports Illustrated and leave the draperies to the women!

But seriously- that dream home that you had so perfectly drawn out in Pinterest boards, all labeled as intricately as your dream medicine cabinet, MIGHT take longer than a few weeks to put together.  Or you might have to come up with a NEW dream home... TOGETHER.  Cause oddly enough, some men don't want to accent the inside of their front doors with fuscia paint.  Weird.

GET READY TO SEE SOME GROSS STUFF

Human beings are innately disgusting and now your dirty laundry is all in the same place.  And I don't mean that figuratively.
Girls, get ready to see what gym socks look like when they solidify from sweat.
Guys... "period panties".  I don't think I need to say anything else.  
True love exists when you see these things and you still wanna tear those gross, high school basketball team sweatpants off your partner and take a trip to Pound Town. 

YOUR LOVED ONE WILL SEE WHAT YOU ACTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A TODDLER

Wanna know why?  Cause you're gonna throw tantrums.  I don't care how old you are, what sex you are, how zen you think you are... you are going to have a day when you just can't handle the Comcast hotline for one more goddamn minute and lose your shit.

You'll have a tantrum, and depending on how long you've been together and how honest you've been about yourself prior to living together, your partner may or may not know how to handle this moment.  (Personal Sidenote:  Ryan is awesome at handling tantrums, you'd think he taught at a Co-Op Preschool).
Every human being has a breaking point, and I think a true test of your relationship comes from how you both learn to help each other out of the bottomless, terrifying, boiling lava pit of a temper-tantrum.

If only Pierce Brosnan had known that Grandma had a sore spot for people who double-park.  Wasn't Dante's Peak awesome?

THE HAIR... OH MY GOD, THE HAIR...

I've lived with a lot of girls who do this weird thing where they pull their hair out in the shower, stick it to the shower wall and then just leave it there like it's a trophy.  I never ever ever understood that.  However, now that I live with a man...

Cue the beard trimmings.

Now, Ryan's facial hair is a thing of art, don't get me wrong...   but if I didn't rush to the bathroom after his daily groomings, it would look a lot like Scrooge McDuck's room full of gold coins...
But it would be filled with beard hair instead of coins...
And my nephews would never want to come over and watch me dive into it.

Ry wants to shave off his chops today!  WOOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

YOU ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF SHIT REALLY QUICKLY

Did you drink the last beer?... Why are we already out of tomato sauce?... Is the car seriously on empty?...

Get that Costco membership now, cause your ass is gonna be running out of stuff EVERY DAMN DAY!  When I was single, a bottle of body wash would last me approximately 5.5 years.  Now that I live with a man, that bottle was EMPTY in a month.  And I'm sure he can say the same thing about me and how long a quart of Yellowtail lasts with me around, I KNOW I'm not innocent in this, I suck at many things. 

But it really is mindblowing when you see how fast SHARED items disappear. 

When you have a roommates, you always seem to have 15 bottles of salad dressing tumbling out of your refrigerator door...  But when you're in love and splitting the groceries, it's like a fucking free-for-all in that fridge! 

Be prepared to handle this financial shock, and take a breath when you're sitting on the toilet and realize that you weren't warned that you are out of toilet paper.  That's what napkins from take-out lunches are for.

Spencer Johnson approves wiping with Wendy's.



I've been in a relationship that ended while I lived with the man.  Living together can show someone's true colors that you might not like the shade of.  This is really sad, I know... but it can be good to find out before you make an even LARGER committment to each other.  And honestly, doing a fast and furious move out is easier than dealing with a divorce in the long run, I'm pretty sure. 

Yes, moving in together is putting a big bet on the table... but it can pay off...

If you're one of the lucky ones, living with your signicant other will feel like having a sleepover every day!  You get to hang out in your pajamas, do crafts, cook yummy meals, watch TV all night and even drink and have sex without the worry of your parents walking in on you!  You will learn something new about your loved one constantly, and you will always know that at the end of a horrendously shitty day you get to go home to your BEST FRIEND.... but a best friend who spoons you at night and tells you tomorrow will be better.

That is a truly amazing feeling worth way more than an extra bottle of Suave Professionals Mint + Rosemary Moisturizing Shampoo.

This is MY motherfucking bathroom, Pinterest! In your face, you cold heartless wench!!!!!!

 

Men get a bad rap, man...

There's a good chance I'm about to piss a lot of girls off with this.

Okay before I start, let's get something straight.  I love women.  No, I luuuuuuuuuuuuurve women.  I try my ass off everyday to be a lady-lover instead of being a nasty bitch.

"You don't have to hate men to love women."  
-Said someone before me at some point in time.

I spent all of my teen years allowing myself to be a doormat for dudes.  I had read my friend's Maxims and thought I had some "inside scoop" into how to be a "Cool Girl".  I wanted guys to think of me as this easy-going, chill, fun, hot, badass chick who they would all surely fall in love with at the same time and come chasing after me like in a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

Think about those adjectives I just listed.  Not one of them has anything to do with respect, or holding MYSELF in high esteem.  All I cared about was making it "easy" for boys.  Not BEING easy... but making it easy.  I never wanted a guy to complain about me taking too long in the bathroom, or shelling out too much for dinner, or having to put in the extra effort to open my car door... I wanted dating me, or even loving me, to be easy-peasy.
Because that's what the magazines said men wanted.
And the magazines are ALWAYS RIGHT.

This is clearly someone a 14 year old should be taking life advice from.

Now I know I can't be the only girl out there who is guilty of this behavior.  Who said things were "Okay" when they were really having a nuclear explosion bombing their heart.  Who put it out there to all the dudes that it was fine if they weren't their priority.  Who stuck around when they should have walked away.  Who didn't DEMAND RESPECT through respecting themselves.  

So how could I blame them?  How could I call these guys jerks and say they didn't care about me?  I was literally training these men to give as little of a shit about me as possible.  I was my own worst enemy!

I was just as guilty of emotional immaturity as they were.

But they were the ones villainized for their behavior.  Men tend to be.  Even look at the way men are portrayed in sitcoms: the doofy, clueless husband who can NEVER seem to remember his anniversary!

I'm really only with you for your looks, Jim.

As I've "matured" (aaaahahaha) I've learned my lessons and finally around October of last year I realized something... Men don't want the "easy to get" girl.  When in the history of time was a song written about falling in love with the girl that who was easy to get and did whatever a man wanted??

Well, maybe a few in Puritan times.  Probably a lot in Puritan times, actually.

But other than that, what I found was that the women that these men were falling in love with and committing to and bending over backwards for were the women who weren't taking any shit.  Who KNEW that they were worth the extra work.  Who called men out on their crap.  Who stood up for themselves and what they wanted.  Who turned down last minute, thrown together invitations from guys because they had plans with their girls.  Who stood by their men because their men stood by them.  Who didn't falter.  Who were strong ass, awesome dames.  And wonderful girlfriends.

....They were really the "COOL GIRLS"!  

THE MAGAZINES LIED TO ME!!!!!

This is your brain on "Cosmo".

GOOD men want you to respect yourself.  They really do.  I haven't observed a whole lot of successful relationships that were born out of a woman doing whatever a man told her to do and always being treated as second banana.  The relationships I've watched flourish in front of me were ones where there was a MUTUAL adoration between not only the two partners, but an adoration each had for themself.  

I wish I could go back in time and talk to 17 year old me... (okay, or go back in time to like 16 months ago...)  

I'd probably tell her:

• Any man who is after your heart and not just your lady bits will be okay with waiting.
• It's okay to demand more from someone.  
• If a man has a problem "making the trip" to your place, and you're always going over to his.  RUN.
• If you are a secret, you will always be a secret.
• A man who loves you will be chomping at the bit to show you off to his buddies.
• Say "no" when you need to say "no".  You're not helping anyone by lying.
• There's a huge difference between being "one of the guys" and a "guy's girl"
• You should never have to force someone into loving you.
• When the right guy comes along, it'll happen easily.  Because HE will want to make it easy just like you do.

Men are hunters.  They are competitive.  They are show offs.  Innately.  It's how God made 'em.  It's why we love 'em.  Why take away their thrill of the hunt?  Don't "play hard to get"... don't "play" anything.  Just be you.  And if what he's offering isn't enough for you... leave.  Simple.  Weed out the ones that don't look good in your garden (analogy points!)

Take a breath.  Stop downgrading yourself.  Smile, be friendly, live your life for YOU and watch the men fall down at your feet.... Then help them up, make them a Maker's Mark Manhattan and enjoy a lovely evening together.

Men are wonderful.  Men aren't the enemy.  Cosmo is.  And probably Denise Richards too, somehow.

Happy Relationship- Achieved.  

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

"Moving builds charact-" Please shut up and just sit on this box so I can tape it.

I am 27 years old and I have called 17 different places home.

I'm not even talking about a room I rented for a summer gig or anything like that.  No sublets, no temporaries...

I have LIVED in 17 places.  Signed leases.  Filled up drawers.  Put stuff on the walls.  17 different places that were SUPPOSED to be permanent until life got to the end of a chapter in Choose Your Own Adventure:  Lindsay's Life and decided to"take the mysterious, winding pathway towards the wizard's castle" instead of "sit under apple tree."

What I'm trying to say is, your life only has 22 possible endings.

"Moving builds character!"  Is what people who have moved less than ten times in their life will tell you.   Sure, it builds character... it also builds stress, anger, debt and a resentment for the human race.  But let's go through this step by step so that we all can appreciate just how much of an emotional roller coaster moving is.


You will lose a large number of material items that you felt a strong emotional connection to.  And it's gonna be really sad.  You will tear apart boxes looking for something that you've held onto since you were a child.  Maybe something your Grandmother gave you that was small and worth no money... but it's emotional value was priceless and you thought you'd have it forever.  You'll lose things like that.  I've lost countless keepsakes, cards, jewelry, pictures and gifts... and I haven't forgotten about any of them.
But the silver lining to this heartbreaking feeling is that you will learn that things are exactly that... things.  It's just a seashell sitting on your chest of drawers.  Losing the seashell doesn't mean you lose the beautiful memory attached to it.  The memory is what is truly important.

You will learn to read the small print in contracts.  I hate to say it, but even if they don't intend to... most brokers, movers, truck rental agencies, cable companies, electric companies, supers and landlords are all out to swindle every last cent from your bank account.  ALWAYS read the small print and feel like a boss in the process.

You will have moments where you resemble a screaming, angry, bloated, middle aged Wall Street guy.   Those people who are out to swindle you?  After your first few moves you'll start catching them in their tracks.  And you will have a lot of fun calling them out on their bullshit.  Moving, and dealing with these people, really helped me to grow a set of girl-balls and start standing up for myself.
If you are blessed with loving parents, you probably will go through high school and maybe even college with them sticking up for you and fighting your battles.  But then you hit your your twenties- and then it is time to learn how to tell the movers you hired on Craigslist that no, you will NOT pay another $100 for the extra mover because they never told you that each additional mover cost an extra $100.  They are scamming you.
Stand up for yourself when someone is trying to have one over on you.  Stand your ground.  Say "NO".

No, Dymetrious Papinaou you will only get the 25% broker fee we ORIGINALLY DISCUSSED!!!

You will realize that you are able to lift far more weight than you ever thought you could.  I will heave and haw when I am carrying two bags of food home from Trader Joe's... But when I was moving out of the condo I lived in with my ex without any help I was suddenly able to maneuver 75 lbs boxes to and fro.  It makes you feel like Superwoman.

You will find out how disgusting you really are.  Ever want to feel like you belong on a self-help show on TLC?  Move your bed away from the wall and take a looksy at what has accumulated underneath it.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  

Trust me, I'm GONNA NEED that Cra-Z Art 250 Piece Deluxe Art Set SOON!

You will have a new found love and appreciation for your friends and family.  I watched one of my friends parallel park my moving truck, I witnessed my 50 year old dad carry my new 100 lbs Ikea dresser up four flights of stairs, I've been given all sorts of odds and ends from loved ones trying to fill my homes with things that I needed.  I have been amazed at the favors people will offer up to you for no other reason than their love for you.  This is an incredibly life-affirming part of moving.  Bask in it.

You will learn that you CAN save money.  I know I'm NOT the only one out there who has been overheard saying, "Ugggggh I NEED to start saving moooooneeeeey," while sipping on a $4.00 chai tea latte.  Look, it's what we do day to day.  But have you ever realized that when you have a move rapidly approaching you can find ways to save $3000 in four months, when you were never able to do so before?  If none of us truly possessed the skill to save money than none of us would ever move.  Ever.  I remember this anytime I get overwhelmed by money.  I remind myself of all those times I have been able to buckle down and fork out first month's rent, last month's rent, security deposit, broker's fee, moving truck, plane ticket and still manage to have my $4.00 chai tea latte.  We are ALL CAPABLE of saving money.  It still sucks though.

You will lose weight out of nowhere.  It's true!  Maybe it's the saving money and not eating big lunches, maybe it's the lifting boxes, maybe it's sweating out the weight having anxiety dreams... but yeah, you're probably gonna shed a few pounds.

You will be presented with great challenges and you will overcome them.  You know why?  Cause you have to.  That's a lesson my mother taught me at a young age.  "Things will be okay because they HAVE to be okay."  Read and repeat that to yourself.  "Things will be okay because they HAVE to be okay." Nothing is going to happen to you during this move that will ruin your life.  You will not end up living out of a cardboard box.  Just stand your ground, grow up, work hard and take big breaths.  Get ready for a FABULOUS feeling of self-satisfaction afterwards.  You have just finished something that is extremely difficult.  You have achieved a goal.  Congratulations, you are AWESOME!

One of those amazing friends I was talking about took this photo of me the day I moved into my current apartment.

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

PS:  Think I'm full of shit with the moving 17 times thing?  Chew on this, sucka!

Lindsay Has Lived....

My parent's first home in Maplewood, NJ.  This house was adorable and had a pool and a stairway that split into the kitchen and living room- making it almost as awesome as the Full House house.

My family's first home in Washington state.  This was a classic, brand new, yuppy home on the top of a cul-de-sac.  It was breathtaking.  And it was haunted with what I THINK were ghosts of American Indians.  But cul-de-sac 4th of July parties are worth the price of a few apparitions.

My mom's apartment she rented after my parent's separated.  This was the only time I ever had to share a bedroom with my little brother.  "Poor little upper-middle-class girl," I know right?

Both of my parents got their own homes approximately one mile away from each other after they divorced.  This put me in the "rich kid" school district, which I did not fit in well with.  This was around the time I really got addicted to the internet.

Then, both my parents moved AGAIN when my mom got re-married.  Into two brand new, housing development "little boxes" homes.  Again, one mile away from each other.

My dorm.  Another haunted home of mine.  This one was even scarier.

My first apartment in the ghetto of Pittsburgh.  The first time I saw water bugs and centipedes.  Dear my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ PLEASE never let me see them again.

My second apartment, across the street from the first.  With two of my best girlfriends.  My bedroom door didn't have a handle on it- you had to jimmy it open with a key.  God, college is awesome.

My first apartment in NYC after graduation.  I moved back to Pittsburgh after only a few months to be with my first real-deal boyfriend whose name was Ian.

Ian's apartment in Pittsburgh.  My first time living with a boyfriend.  

Ian and my first disgusting apartment in Chicago.  Also known as the place we got bed bugs.  Seriously the worst thing ever.

Ian and my second apartment in Chicago.  This place was a dream.  A condo in a luxury building!  A swimming pool!  A view of the city AND the park!  A 24 hour concierge!  But then we broke up.  Bye Chicago!

My Dad's new condo.  I moved back in with them to figure out my life.  Living with your parents is challenging when you haven't done it in seven years.

My triumphant return to NYC with my best friend Jordan.  We had a beautiful apartment and amazing times in it.  This was a real home.  It was lovely.  Then Jordan left for the opportunity of his life on the Mary Poppins tour.  And it was time to get my own place.

My home now.  Another dream.  A gorgeous studio in a new building.  There's no furniture in it, but it's all mine.