RYAN IS SO GREAT AND I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE THAN FOOD THAT IS SALTY AND SWEET AT THE SAME TIME.
Now that I got that out of the way, let's get down to the nitty-gritty, which is that the first few months of living with your significant other can be compared to Jane Goodall's career. You feel like a completely different species from them- boy or girl, gay or straight. Even if you've spent years in a relationship, you will begin learning new things about this person the second you get a shared set of keys.
"You don't like coconut? What do you mean? Who doesn't like cocunut? How didn't I know that about you? But didn't you eat macaroons s at your sister's Quincenera the other night? Oh coconut COOKIES don't count? Hmmmmmmmm....."
Ryan and I have been living together for over a month, and both of us have shacked up with exes in the past- because of this, and many talks had with friends who have recently decided to co-inhabit, I know that these realizations aren't confined to only my relationship:
PINTEREST WONDERLANDS WEREN'T BUILT IN A DAY.
Here's a short list within a list of things I've said I will have in my new apartment:
Chalkboard wall
Patio bistro set
Accent wall with adorable wallpaper, probably chevron patterned
Friends and family sterling silver picture frame wall
Energy saving lightbulbs in every lighting fixture
Every powder or grain from our pantry stored in cute bottles
Drafting table
Collection of vintage aprons
Collection of vintage aprons
Vanity
Every single thing we own labeled
Printed Instagram photos
Printed Instagram photos
Pet bowls mounted on wall
Magnetic makeup storage
A really clean washing machine that I clean with homemade gunk
And a pool.
Seriously just shut the fuck up, Pinterest.
Magnetic makeup storage
A really clean washing machine that I clean with homemade gunk
And a pool.
That's just for starters, of course. I haven't begun to touch on how I will antique all of our furniture by hand.
Pinterest and Etsy have both illuminated the beauty of home life and destroyed every woman's confidence. We all want to nest and decorate and have this warm, amazing base to curl up in at night with our partner while we watch Dexter marathons and knit homemade tea cozies.
However, sometimes men have an opinion on what they want their house to look like, too!
However, sometimes men have an opinion on what they want their house to look like, too!
WHAT?!
Go read your Sports Illustrated and leave the draperies to the women!
But seriously- that dream home that you had so perfectly drawn out in Pinterest boards, all labeled as intricately as your dream medicine cabinet, MIGHT take longer than a few weeks to put together. Or you might have to come up with a NEW dream home... TOGETHER. Cause oddly enough, some men don't want to accent the inside of their front doors with fuscia paint. Weird.
GET READY TO SEE SOME GROSS STUFF
Human beings are innately disgusting and now your dirty laundry is all in the same place. And I don't mean that figuratively.
Girls, get ready to see what gym socks look like when they solidify from sweat.
Guys... "period panties". I don't think I need to say anything else.
True love exists when you see these things and you still wanna tear those gross, high school basketball team sweatpants off your partner and take a trip to Pound Town.
Girls, get ready to see what gym socks look like when they solidify from sweat.
Guys... "period panties". I don't think I need to say anything else.
True love exists when you see these things and you still wanna tear those gross, high school basketball team sweatpants off your partner and take a trip to Pound Town.
YOUR LOVED ONE WILL SEE WHAT YOU ACTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A TODDLER
Wanna know why? Cause you're gonna throw tantrums. I don't care how old you are, what sex you are, how zen you think you are... you are going to have a day when you just can't handle the Comcast hotline for one more goddamn minute and lose your shit.
You'll have a tantrum, and depending on how long you've been together and how honest you've been about yourself prior to living together, your partner may or may not know how to handle this moment. (Personal Sidenote: Ryan is awesome at handling tantrums, you'd think he taught at a Co-Op Preschool).
Every human being has a breaking point, and I think a true test of your relationship comes from how you both learn to help each other out of the bottomless, terrifying, boiling lava pit of a temper-tantrum.
Every human being has a breaking point, and I think a true test of your relationship comes from how you both learn to help each other out of the bottomless, terrifying, boiling lava pit of a temper-tantrum.
THE HAIR... OH MY GOD, THE HAIR...
I've lived with a lot of girls who do this weird thing where they pull their hair out in the shower, stick it to the shower wall and then just leave it there like it's a trophy. I never ever ever understood that. However, now that I live with a man...
Cue the beard trimmings.
Now, Ryan's facial hair is a thing of art, don't get me wrong... but if I didn't rush to the bathroom after his daily groomings, it would look a lot like Scrooge McDuck's room full of gold coins...
But it would be filled with beard hair instead of coins...
And my nephews would never want to come over and watch me dive into it.
But it would be filled with beard hair instead of coins...
And my nephews would never want to come over and watch me dive into it.
Ry wants to shave off his chops today! WOOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!
YOU ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF SHIT REALLY QUICKLY
Did you drink the last beer?... Why are we already out of tomato sauce?... Is the car seriously on empty?...
Get that Costco membership now, cause your ass is gonna be running out of stuff EVERY DAMN DAY! When I was single, a bottle of body wash would last me approximately 5.5 years. Now that I live with a man, that bottle was EMPTY in a month. And I'm sure he can say the same thing about me and how long a quart of Yellowtail lasts with me around, I KNOW I'm not innocent in this, I suck at many things.
But it really is mindblowing when you see how fast SHARED items disappear.
When you have a roommates, you always seem to have 15 bottles of salad dressing tumbling out of your refrigerator door... But when you're in love and splitting the groceries, it's like a fucking free-for-all in that fridge!
Be prepared to handle this financial shock, and take a breath when you're sitting on the toilet and realize that you weren't warned that you are out of toilet paper. That's what napkins from take-out lunches are for.
Spencer Johnson approves wiping with Wendy's.
I've been in a relationship that ended while I lived with the man. Living together can show someone's true colors that you might not like the shade of. This is really sad, I know... but it can be good to find out before you make an even LARGER committment to each other. And honestly, doing a fast and furious move out is easier than dealing with a divorce in the long run, I'm pretty sure.
Yes, moving in together is putting a big bet on the table... but it can pay off...
If you're one of the lucky ones, living with your signicant other will feel like having a sleepover every day! You get to hang out in your pajamas, do crafts, cook yummy meals, watch TV all night and even drink and have sex without the worry of your parents walking in on you! You will learn something new about your loved one constantly, and you will always know that at the end of a horrendously shitty day you get to go home to your BEST FRIEND.... but a best friend who spoons you at night and tells you tomorrow will be better.
That is a truly amazing feeling worth way more than an extra bottle of Suave Professionals Mint + Rosemary Moisturizing Shampoo.
This is MY motherfucking bathroom, Pinterest! In your face, you cold heartless wench!!!!!!
