The Wondrous World Of Not Being A Bitch

Bitch.

That's a loaded word, right?  It's one of those "we've taken it back!" words that is now totally overused.

I personally enjoy the word "bitch" most when spoken by Aaron Paul on "Breaking Bad".

If you've never seen Breaking Bad before, you can see here that it's a jaunty show about magnets.

Man, Aaron Paul is adorable.  But moving on...

I don't understand why so many women nowadays think it's empowering to call themselves "a tough bitch."  Isn't being a tough woman good enough?  

Why do we have to use this negative word? 

Is it because we are "taking it back"?  And what on Earth does that even mean?  Taking WHAT back?  No one owns the word "bitch".  No one stole it from someone else.  It's public domain people, it's free to be said by anyone.  You're not the Robin Hood of swear words cause you're using it.

Don't you dare lie to me and say you didn't have a crush on this guy when you were 10.

It seems to me that "taking back" a rude slur like BITCH (or other much more severe words) really means you are allowing those morons who used this word to insult you to win.  

It's laying down dead- feeling like it's easier to accept the word than to fight against the tireless throngs of chauvinists who are calling you a bitch just because you said you weren't interested in driving 45 minutes to their house at 11:00 pm on a Thursday to play beer pong.

Is that really what we want?  Do we wanna walk around designating ourselves as BITCHES just because we are tenacious, candid, decisive women?  

And isn't it way more fun to brainstorm a list of awesome adjectives to describe yourself like "tenacious" than to say, "I told Randy that I didn't have time to make his copies cause I was busy with my own work... I guess I'm just the office BITCH." 

Yes, people are nasty and will label you with this word because your decisions put their panties in a bunch.

Yes, a lot of the time it will be because they are simply uncomfortable with how strong-willed you are.

And yes, some of the time it will be because you are being an asshole.

I'm just being real, ladies.  We can be jerkweeds too.

Acceptance of the word can transform into acceptance of the behavior the word elicits.

It's hard out there for the ladies.  We all know that.  And if you're a dude and you think life's easier for us just because sometimes we get free drinks due to our big boobies... I'll trade you my big boobies for your bigger paycheck.  Still interested?  Didn't think so.  Sometimes it can feel like we have to wear a lot of armor in order to protect ourselves against the army of bullshit that charges at us everyday.  

No please, explain to me again how my HMO covers Viagra but not my birth control pills.  I'm listening.

That being said, I am a woman who once fell victim to "taking back" the word bitch and in turn, allowed myself to just flat out BECOME A BITCH.  OH man... was I ever a bitch!  (It had a lot to due with my short lived stint of being a MySpace girl.)  I thought I was being strong... I wasn't.  I wasn't being honest, diligent and direct... I was being sarcastic, bitter and cold.  I picked fights and rolled my eyes at every chance I got.  I blew off my guy friends who had always treated me with respect because I didn't want to be 'sleeping with the enemy'.  I made myself as hard as I possibly could.  

...And I hurt a lot of people's feelings.  People who didn't deserve it.  All in the pursuit of "taking back bitch"... of trying to prove how TOUGH I was.

As time went on and I grew and life took it's punches at me, I learned... you don't have to be a bitch to prove that you're strong.  On the contrary, the times I felt the strongest and gained the most respect from others were when I mustered up all the humility I had inside of me and told someone that I was wrong, or kept myself level-headed and patient when I was incredibly upset.  

You wanna REALLY freak out a man? Admit that you were wrong when you were wrong.  

HOLY shit they look at you like you just made your reveal on an episode of THE SWAN!  

Sorry for reminding you about this.

It feels delicious to free yourself of pride and to take your armor off.  Armor weighs a freakin' TON, man... who wants to be walking around town wearing that shit?  Let it go!  You don't need it!  ...Why?

Because you are already strong without it.  

You survive as a woman in a world where being born a girl instantly puts you at a social disadvantage.  

You have menstrual cramps every month.  

You put up with assholes in college grabbing your ass.  

You hold your head high through your middle school awkward phase.  

You hug your boyfriend when he cries.  

You take care of your parents. 

You push another human being out of your vagina.  

You run a marathon.

You work hard to get a college degree.

You stand up for your children.  

You get your bikini line waxed.  

You balance your bank account.  

You get promoted.  

You speak your mind.  

You say "no".

You vote for whoever the hell you want to vote for.

You give to people who need help.  

You mow your own lawn.  

You drive the moving truck.  

You run six blocks to catch a bus in four inch heels. 

You are nurturers while being bread winners. 

 Be confident in knowing that you are a strong willed, hard working, loving, mature human being. 

That is enough.  

YOU are enough. 

So let's all challenge ourselves to let go of the word BITCH for a while and see how it makes us feel?  

I bet we feel better!

If not, feel free to come back and bitch at me.

This was at our "middle school" costume party back at college.  I went as a middle school bitch circa 1996.  Nailed it.

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

PITTSBURGH: The Good, The Bad, and The Alcohol Poisoning

As discussed earlier this month, I have lived in a lot of different cities.  I've gotten to know the food, the public transportation, and the real estate in each city... it's been quite a trip.  And each city is drastically different from the next, (anyone who tells you Chicago is just a smaller version of New York is high on Willy Wonka drugs).

I would like to take the opportunity to state loud and proud my personal opinion on each of these cities.
Because I am opinionated.
And I am loud.
And I get tired of people putting their hands in my face and dismissing me just because they disagree with my opinion.  This way, if you hate what I think about your city (which, keep in mind, was also my city for a time) you can just flame me on Facebook or something!

Deal?... Deal.

First stop...

PITTSBURGH, PA

I lived in Pittsburgh for four years during college, where I went to Point Park University to get my BFA in Musical Theater.  I left for a few months after graduation to sublet in New York, but found myself back in Pittsburgh with my ex-boyfriend for another year soon after.

TOTAL YEARS LIVED IN PITTSBURGH:  5 & change
HOMES IN PITTSBURGH:  4, including my dorm.

                      

Why is Ben Roethlisberger  so violent when he lives in such a beautiful place?

PITTSBURGH IS A MAGICAL PLACE
Scoff at this if you've never been there, but this city has charisma.  Stay with me, on this...
I moved here straight from Seattle, and the first time I saw downtown I burst into tears.
It was so ugly.
I was used to huge, sparkling skyscrapers and a view of the mountains!  This was.... dirty.  I remember the first time I smelled those hair oils that were sold on card tables on the sidewalks... I thought they were drugs.
Not kidding.  I was young.
But as time went on I learned how truly ethereal this city could be.  It is a major city that is run by students.  The area of Oakland, where most of the college kids live is simply electric.
Now, something you have to understand about Oakland is that most of the housing in the area should be condemned, or has been condemned but the people living there couldn't care less if their ceiling caves in on them cause they only pay $350 in rent.  Think about this... Carnegie Mellon kids who are paying $150,000 for their degree in architecture are just chilling on these decrepit stoops, alongside the low-income families and gangbangers, drinking stale Lionshead out of red Solo cups.  Everyone has a little bit of a biting edge to them- even the "woo-hoo!" girls in their jean mini-skirts and sequined, pink, babydoll cut Steelers shirts seem like they are fully capable of punching a cop in the face.

The whole area smells like deli meat, sweat, gasoline, one night stands, and beer. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
I once watched a guy I took acting class with rip a GNC marquis off a building during a Steelers Superbowl riot IN FRONT OF COPS IN RIOT GEAR (imagine what would happen if the Pirates did anything worthwhile.)  I watched my coworkers start a rebellion against our 60 year old manager of Primanti Brothers because he called me a bitch, while the UPMC doctors on their lunch break cheered us on and ate their overstuffed sandwiches, "Fuck authority!  We'll burn this place to the ground with you guys!"  This is a very honest, proud and tough city.  And it will make you tougher.  It will slap you on the back of the head and tell you to stop being such a fancypants- go out there and get your hands dirty!

CITY OF BRIDGES AND WATER BUGS
Oh my God, have you ever seen a water bug?
Have you ever seen LOTS of them IN YOUR APARTMENT YOU JUST MOVED INTO?
Nightmareland!
See, the downfall of having students run rampant in your city is that it slowly starts to turn your city into a toilet.  It's simple arithmetic, really.

Poor, Desperate Students + An Old, Poor City =

Pittsburgh can be pretty rough.
The streets are cracked and eroded, the drivers are terrifyingly aggressive, the police have had-it-up-to-here with your nonsense, there is a surprisingly active gang scene, the weather pushes your body to the limits and there are bugs everywhere.  There seems to be no rush to spruce up Oakland whatsoever... and these buildings are falling apart at the seams.  However, the slumlords keep signing leases to unsuspecting Freshmen while their parents look on, horrified.
"How slummy IS IT?!"
Our apartment's front door fell off it's hinges.  Like, just gave up one day and fell off it's hinges!  And I don't blame it... it was probably 110 years old!  But that's how run-down these buildings are- the landlords couldn't care less and you convince yourself you don't either... that it's all part of this magical Pittsburgh experience.  

We had a funeral for our door.  As you can see, I wore my nicest outfit.

Another sucky thing about living in a college town is that you are surrounded by people in college.  Yes, this can be pretty sweet when you yourself are in college and it's all a  big, fun, smelly experiment... but when you're still there after graduation it can weigh on your nerves a bit.  Everywhere you look there's some dude in a "vintage" Pitt shirt with a snakebite piercing and Jack Kerouac tattoo telling you how lame your taste in music is.  Add to that the incessant partying and the absence of shits college kids give about anything... it can feel a bit like you are running a daycare full of hung over American Apparel models.

People who love Pittsburgh really love Pittsburgh.  It's very admirable.  And there's something to be said about a city that hasn't changed much since the 1970s.  When Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato placed a 10% tax on poured liquor in order to raise money for Public Transit, bars throughout Pittsburgh revolted and listed this tax as THE ONORATO TAX on receipts, as well as posting threatening signs in their windows.

$3.83?!  How will I feed my children?!

They might be the only human beings alive that revolted against the smoking ban in bars, too.  They basically just REALLY LIKE REVOLTING and staying just as they are.

Pittsburgh is like your accidentally-racist Grandpa who wears a "Who Farted?" hat, and smokes through his stoma.

But then again...wasn't that always the Grandpa that gave you a taste of his beer when you were a kid?  And dammit, even though he might get you kicked out of Applebees, you can't help but loving the old, stinky curmudgeon.

That's Pittsburgh.

We made snowballs out of the dirty snow from the filthy streets of the projects, then we poured bottom-shelf Peach Schaaps on them, then we ate them. 

 This is also known as one of the best nights of my life.  

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

Men get a bad rap, man...

There's a good chance I'm about to piss a lot of girls off with this.

Okay before I start, let's get something straight.  I love women.  No, I luuuuuuuuuuuuurve women.  I try my ass off everyday to be a lady-lover instead of being a nasty bitch.

"You don't have to hate men to love women."  
-Said someone before me at some point in time.

I spent all of my teen years allowing myself to be a doormat for dudes.  I had read my friend's Maxims and thought I had some "inside scoop" into how to be a "Cool Girl".  I wanted guys to think of me as this easy-going, chill, fun, hot, badass chick who they would all surely fall in love with at the same time and come chasing after me like in a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

Think about those adjectives I just listed.  Not one of them has anything to do with respect, or holding MYSELF in high esteem.  All I cared about was making it "easy" for boys.  Not BEING easy... but making it easy.  I never wanted a guy to complain about me taking too long in the bathroom, or shelling out too much for dinner, or having to put in the extra effort to open my car door... I wanted dating me, or even loving me, to be easy-peasy.
Because that's what the magazines said men wanted.
And the magazines are ALWAYS RIGHT.

This is clearly someone a 14 year old should be taking life advice from.

Now I know I can't be the only girl out there who is guilty of this behavior.  Who said things were "Okay" when they were really having a nuclear explosion bombing their heart.  Who put it out there to all the dudes that it was fine if they weren't their priority.  Who stuck around when they should have walked away.  Who didn't DEMAND RESPECT through respecting themselves.  

So how could I blame them?  How could I call these guys jerks and say they didn't care about me?  I was literally training these men to give as little of a shit about me as possible.  I was my own worst enemy!

I was just as guilty of emotional immaturity as they were.

But they were the ones villainized for their behavior.  Men tend to be.  Even look at the way men are portrayed in sitcoms: the doofy, clueless husband who can NEVER seem to remember his anniversary!

I'm really only with you for your looks, Jim.

As I've "matured" (aaaahahaha) I've learned my lessons and finally around October of last year I realized something... Men don't want the "easy to get" girl.  When in the history of time was a song written about falling in love with the girl that who was easy to get and did whatever a man wanted??

Well, maybe a few in Puritan times.  Probably a lot in Puritan times, actually.

But other than that, what I found was that the women that these men were falling in love with and committing to and bending over backwards for were the women who weren't taking any shit.  Who KNEW that they were worth the extra work.  Who called men out on their crap.  Who stood up for themselves and what they wanted.  Who turned down last minute, thrown together invitations from guys because they had plans with their girls.  Who stood by their men because their men stood by them.  Who didn't falter.  Who were strong ass, awesome dames.  And wonderful girlfriends.

....They were really the "COOL GIRLS"!  

THE MAGAZINES LIED TO ME!!!!!

This is your brain on "Cosmo".

GOOD men want you to respect yourself.  They really do.  I haven't observed a whole lot of successful relationships that were born out of a woman doing whatever a man told her to do and always being treated as second banana.  The relationships I've watched flourish in front of me were ones where there was a MUTUAL adoration between not only the two partners, but an adoration each had for themself.  

I wish I could go back in time and talk to 17 year old me... (okay, or go back in time to like 16 months ago...)  

I'd probably tell her:

• Any man who is after your heart and not just your lady bits will be okay with waiting.
• It's okay to demand more from someone.  
• If a man has a problem "making the trip" to your place, and you're always going over to his.  RUN.
• If you are a secret, you will always be a secret.
• A man who loves you will be chomping at the bit to show you off to his buddies.
• Say "no" when you need to say "no".  You're not helping anyone by lying.
• There's a huge difference between being "one of the guys" and a "guy's girl"
• You should never have to force someone into loving you.
• When the right guy comes along, it'll happen easily.  Because HE will want to make it easy just like you do.

Men are hunters.  They are competitive.  They are show offs.  Innately.  It's how God made 'em.  It's why we love 'em.  Why take away their thrill of the hunt?  Don't "play hard to get"... don't "play" anything.  Just be you.  And if what he's offering isn't enough for you... leave.  Simple.  Weed out the ones that don't look good in your garden (analogy points!)

Take a breath.  Stop downgrading yourself.  Smile, be friendly, live your life for YOU and watch the men fall down at your feet.... Then help them up, make them a Maker's Mark Manhattan and enjoy a lovely evening together.

Men are wonderful.  Men aren't the enemy.  Cosmo is.  And probably Denise Richards too, somehow.

Happy Relationship- Achieved.  

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

Oh Dad, You Were Right All Along... (dammit)

When I was little and my awesome dad would be attempting to give his brassy daughter some much needed, wise advice he would often say to me, "LEARN FROM ME, Lindsay..."  
I can still hear his voice saying it in the kitchen while I slathered my Thomas' English Muffin with butter before leaving for High School.  I was sooooo much smarter than him.

I was 17!

I knew about heartbreak- My online boyfriend and I had broken up only four years ago!
I knew about money- I had a part time job at a sandwich shop (which my father got for me)!


I was an ADULT, dammit and I wanted to make sure he knew it!
Advice from someone who loved me and basically lived just to make sure my life would turn out spledidly?  Pfffffft!  I'll listen to my giggly 17 year old girlfriends, thankyouverymuchDAD!

Lookit that man.  That is a man who knows a thing or two about the right way to get to the mall.

As I've aged - 10 years since then - I feel like one of the GREATEST lessons that life (and Dad) has taught me is that it's OKAY to ask for help.  And it's OKAY to take and use someone's advice.

It doesn't mean your initial, gut decision was wrong- simply that the people who love you are giving you advice because they want what's BEST for you- THEY'RE loved one.

It doesn't mean you are immature and stupid- to the contrary, I've delightfully found many people to be quite impressed when I'm able to go to them and ask their opinion.

It doesn't mean you're weak and unable to fend for yourself- big fat, stinking nope all over that one.  That feeling of "weakness"?  I personally think that's PRIDE trying to make a sneaky getaway out of your body.  And you know what?  Let it go.  PRIDE is like that crappy college boy who always made us feel insecure and "less-than".  Oh we kept that boy around- we thought we NEEDED that boy.  We cried and felt uncomfortable when he left us for another unknowing Freshman girl.  But in the end, you were BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.  That's PRIDE.
Let pride go, drink some Franzia with your girlfriends and feel GREAT the next day.


I now make it a point to always ask people for advice- much to Dad's excitement.  Because everyone's life has taken them on different journeys- so by asking someone else for their thoughts on the situation you can LEARN FROM THEM.  Learn things you would have never known otherwise...

It's kinda like the first time you ever played The Oregon Trail with your cool babysitter- they were seasoned pioneers who knew to NEVER caulk and float your wagon.  If they weren't there beside you to offer such sage advice you would have CLEARLY lost that deck of cards you bought back in Town.  And WHAT would Bob, Phyllis, Alexander and Rochelle do without that deck of cards?

"Avoid all these dramatics and just take the damn ferry!" Is what Dad woulda said.

Now I know whoever is reading this might be like, "Okay #1 this Blogger template is pretty crappy, Lindsay.  And #2 But what about making your OWN decisions and taking CHANCES and getting your OWN hands dirty in the process???"

And to that I say- Yup!  You can do that too!  I've gotten my hands dirty all across this US of A.  I've heard the advice and laughed it off.  And sometimes it's paid off to do my own thang and not play by the rules.  And sometimes I've fallen flat on my ass.  I don't think either way is the wrong way.  I just believe you have nothing to lose by asking advice, or listening to others' stories.

Each person you meet in your life is like a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica- so why not just soak up as much of that knowledge as you can?

Ohmigod remember this guy?  See HE is someone who should have taken his friends' advice and not worn that denim button up.

That's why I started this little Blogger.  Because maybe one of my friends or some random person who accidentally typed in this domain name will read one of my harrowing life tales and be able to relate- or be able to take something away from what I've lived and learned.

Well, that and the boredom.  The boredom is part of the reason I'm doing this, too.

(See?  If I was taking people's advice right now I'd be reading The Hunger Games instead of writing this blog.  Fools!  Mwahahaha!)

So yeah, anyway...


LEARN FROM ME,
Lindsay