PITTSBURGH: The Good, The Bad, and The Alcohol Poisoning

As discussed earlier this month, I have lived in a lot of different cities.  I've gotten to know the food, the public transportation, and the real estate in each city... it's been quite a trip.  And each city is drastically different from the next, (anyone who tells you Chicago is just a smaller version of New York is high on Willy Wonka drugs).

I would like to take the opportunity to state loud and proud my personal opinion on each of these cities.
Because I am opinionated.
And I am loud.
And I get tired of people putting their hands in my face and dismissing me just because they disagree with my opinion.  This way, if you hate what I think about your city (which, keep in mind, was also my city for a time) you can just flame me on Facebook or something!

Deal?... Deal.

First stop...

PITTSBURGH, PA

I lived in Pittsburgh for four years during college, where I went to Point Park University to get my BFA in Musical Theater.  I left for a few months after graduation to sublet in New York, but found myself back in Pittsburgh with my ex-boyfriend for another year soon after.

TOTAL YEARS LIVED IN PITTSBURGH:  5 & change
HOMES IN PITTSBURGH:  4, including my dorm.

                      

Why is Ben Roethlisberger  so violent when he lives in such a beautiful place?

PITTSBURGH IS A MAGICAL PLACE
Scoff at this if you've never been there, but this city has charisma.  Stay with me, on this...
I moved here straight from Seattle, and the first time I saw downtown I burst into tears.
It was so ugly.
I was used to huge, sparkling skyscrapers and a view of the mountains!  This was.... dirty.  I remember the first time I smelled those hair oils that were sold on card tables on the sidewalks... I thought they were drugs.
Not kidding.  I was young.
But as time went on I learned how truly ethereal this city could be.  It is a major city that is run by students.  The area of Oakland, where most of the college kids live is simply electric.
Now, something you have to understand about Oakland is that most of the housing in the area should be condemned, or has been condemned but the people living there couldn't care less if their ceiling caves in on them cause they only pay $350 in rent.  Think about this... Carnegie Mellon kids who are paying $150,000 for their degree in architecture are just chilling on these decrepit stoops, alongside the low-income families and gangbangers, drinking stale Lionshead out of red Solo cups.  Everyone has a little bit of a biting edge to them- even the "woo-hoo!" girls in their jean mini-skirts and sequined, pink, babydoll cut Steelers shirts seem like they are fully capable of punching a cop in the face.

The whole area smells like deli meat, sweat, gasoline, one night stands, and beer. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
I once watched a guy I took acting class with rip a GNC marquis off a building during a Steelers Superbowl riot IN FRONT OF COPS IN RIOT GEAR (imagine what would happen if the Pirates did anything worthwhile.)  I watched my coworkers start a rebellion against our 60 year old manager of Primanti Brothers because he called me a bitch, while the UPMC doctors on their lunch break cheered us on and ate their overstuffed sandwiches, "Fuck authority!  We'll burn this place to the ground with you guys!"  This is a very honest, proud and tough city.  And it will make you tougher.  It will slap you on the back of the head and tell you to stop being such a fancypants- go out there and get your hands dirty!

CITY OF BRIDGES AND WATER BUGS
Oh my God, have you ever seen a water bug?
Have you ever seen LOTS of them IN YOUR APARTMENT YOU JUST MOVED INTO?
Nightmareland!
See, the downfall of having students run rampant in your city is that it slowly starts to turn your city into a toilet.  It's simple arithmetic, really.

Poor, Desperate Students + An Old, Poor City =

Pittsburgh can be pretty rough.
The streets are cracked and eroded, the drivers are terrifyingly aggressive, the police have had-it-up-to-here with your nonsense, there is a surprisingly active gang scene, the weather pushes your body to the limits and there are bugs everywhere.  There seems to be no rush to spruce up Oakland whatsoever... and these buildings are falling apart at the seams.  However, the slumlords keep signing leases to unsuspecting Freshmen while their parents look on, horrified.
"How slummy IS IT?!"
Our apartment's front door fell off it's hinges.  Like, just gave up one day and fell off it's hinges!  And I don't blame it... it was probably 110 years old!  But that's how run-down these buildings are- the landlords couldn't care less and you convince yourself you don't either... that it's all part of this magical Pittsburgh experience.  

We had a funeral for our door.  As you can see, I wore my nicest outfit.

Another sucky thing about living in a college town is that you are surrounded by people in college.  Yes, this can be pretty sweet when you yourself are in college and it's all a  big, fun, smelly experiment... but when you're still there after graduation it can weigh on your nerves a bit.  Everywhere you look there's some dude in a "vintage" Pitt shirt with a snakebite piercing and Jack Kerouac tattoo telling you how lame your taste in music is.  Add to that the incessant partying and the absence of shits college kids give about anything... it can feel a bit like you are running a daycare full of hung over American Apparel models.

People who love Pittsburgh really love Pittsburgh.  It's very admirable.  And there's something to be said about a city that hasn't changed much since the 1970s.  When Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato placed a 10% tax on poured liquor in order to raise money for Public Transit, bars throughout Pittsburgh revolted and listed this tax as THE ONORATO TAX on receipts, as well as posting threatening signs in their windows.

$3.83?!  How will I feed my children?!

They might be the only human beings alive that revolted against the smoking ban in bars, too.  They basically just REALLY LIKE REVOLTING and staying just as they are.

Pittsburgh is like your accidentally-racist Grandpa who wears a "Who Farted?" hat, and smokes through his stoma.

But then again...wasn't that always the Grandpa that gave you a taste of his beer when you were a kid?  And dammit, even though he might get you kicked out of Applebees, you can't help but loving the old, stinky curmudgeon.

That's Pittsburgh.

We made snowballs out of the dirty snow from the filthy streets of the projects, then we poured bottom-shelf Peach Schaaps on them, then we ate them. 

 This is also known as one of the best nights of my life.  

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

"Moving builds charact-" Please shut up and just sit on this box so I can tape it.

I am 27 years old and I have called 17 different places home.

I'm not even talking about a room I rented for a summer gig or anything like that.  No sublets, no temporaries...

I have LIVED in 17 places.  Signed leases.  Filled up drawers.  Put stuff on the walls.  17 different places that were SUPPOSED to be permanent until life got to the end of a chapter in Choose Your Own Adventure:  Lindsay's Life and decided to"take the mysterious, winding pathway towards the wizard's castle" instead of "sit under apple tree."

What I'm trying to say is, your life only has 22 possible endings.

"Moving builds character!"  Is what people who have moved less than ten times in their life will tell you.   Sure, it builds character... it also builds stress, anger, debt and a resentment for the human race.  But let's go through this step by step so that we all can appreciate just how much of an emotional roller coaster moving is.


You will lose a large number of material items that you felt a strong emotional connection to.  And it's gonna be really sad.  You will tear apart boxes looking for something that you've held onto since you were a child.  Maybe something your Grandmother gave you that was small and worth no money... but it's emotional value was priceless and you thought you'd have it forever.  You'll lose things like that.  I've lost countless keepsakes, cards, jewelry, pictures and gifts... and I haven't forgotten about any of them.
But the silver lining to this heartbreaking feeling is that you will learn that things are exactly that... things.  It's just a seashell sitting on your chest of drawers.  Losing the seashell doesn't mean you lose the beautiful memory attached to it.  The memory is what is truly important.

You will learn to read the small print in contracts.  I hate to say it, but even if they don't intend to... most brokers, movers, truck rental agencies, cable companies, electric companies, supers and landlords are all out to swindle every last cent from your bank account.  ALWAYS read the small print and feel like a boss in the process.

You will have moments where you resemble a screaming, angry, bloated, middle aged Wall Street guy.   Those people who are out to swindle you?  After your first few moves you'll start catching them in their tracks.  And you will have a lot of fun calling them out on their bullshit.  Moving, and dealing with these people, really helped me to grow a set of girl-balls and start standing up for myself.
If you are blessed with loving parents, you probably will go through high school and maybe even college with them sticking up for you and fighting your battles.  But then you hit your your twenties- and then it is time to learn how to tell the movers you hired on Craigslist that no, you will NOT pay another $100 for the extra mover because they never told you that each additional mover cost an extra $100.  They are scamming you.
Stand up for yourself when someone is trying to have one over on you.  Stand your ground.  Say "NO".

No, Dymetrious Papinaou you will only get the 25% broker fee we ORIGINALLY DISCUSSED!!!

You will realize that you are able to lift far more weight than you ever thought you could.  I will heave and haw when I am carrying two bags of food home from Trader Joe's... But when I was moving out of the condo I lived in with my ex without any help I was suddenly able to maneuver 75 lbs boxes to and fro.  It makes you feel like Superwoman.

You will find out how disgusting you really are.  Ever want to feel like you belong on a self-help show on TLC?  Move your bed away from the wall and take a looksy at what has accumulated underneath it.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  

Trust me, I'm GONNA NEED that Cra-Z Art 250 Piece Deluxe Art Set SOON!

You will have a new found love and appreciation for your friends and family.  I watched one of my friends parallel park my moving truck, I witnessed my 50 year old dad carry my new 100 lbs Ikea dresser up four flights of stairs, I've been given all sorts of odds and ends from loved ones trying to fill my homes with things that I needed.  I have been amazed at the favors people will offer up to you for no other reason than their love for you.  This is an incredibly life-affirming part of moving.  Bask in it.

You will learn that you CAN save money.  I know I'm NOT the only one out there who has been overheard saying, "Ugggggh I NEED to start saving moooooneeeeey," while sipping on a $4.00 chai tea latte.  Look, it's what we do day to day.  But have you ever realized that when you have a move rapidly approaching you can find ways to save $3000 in four months, when you were never able to do so before?  If none of us truly possessed the skill to save money than none of us would ever move.  Ever.  I remember this anytime I get overwhelmed by money.  I remind myself of all those times I have been able to buckle down and fork out first month's rent, last month's rent, security deposit, broker's fee, moving truck, plane ticket and still manage to have my $4.00 chai tea latte.  We are ALL CAPABLE of saving money.  It still sucks though.

You will lose weight out of nowhere.  It's true!  Maybe it's the saving money and not eating big lunches, maybe it's the lifting boxes, maybe it's sweating out the weight having anxiety dreams... but yeah, you're probably gonna shed a few pounds.

You will be presented with great challenges and you will overcome them.  You know why?  Cause you have to.  That's a lesson my mother taught me at a young age.  "Things will be okay because they HAVE to be okay."  Read and repeat that to yourself.  "Things will be okay because they HAVE to be okay." Nothing is going to happen to you during this move that will ruin your life.  You will not end up living out of a cardboard box.  Just stand your ground, grow up, work hard and take big breaths.  Get ready for a FABULOUS feeling of self-satisfaction afterwards.  You have just finished something that is extremely difficult.  You have achieved a goal.  Congratulations, you are AWESOME!

One of those amazing friends I was talking about took this photo of me the day I moved into my current apartment.

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay

PS:  Think I'm full of shit with the moving 17 times thing?  Chew on this, sucka!

Lindsay Has Lived....

My parent's first home in Maplewood, NJ.  This house was adorable and had a pool and a stairway that split into the kitchen and living room- making it almost as awesome as the Full House house.

My family's first home in Washington state.  This was a classic, brand new, yuppy home on the top of a cul-de-sac.  It was breathtaking.  And it was haunted with what I THINK were ghosts of American Indians.  But cul-de-sac 4th of July parties are worth the price of a few apparitions.

My mom's apartment she rented after my parent's separated.  This was the only time I ever had to share a bedroom with my little brother.  "Poor little upper-middle-class girl," I know right?

Both of my parents got their own homes approximately one mile away from each other after they divorced.  This put me in the "rich kid" school district, which I did not fit in well with.  This was around the time I really got addicted to the internet.

Then, both my parents moved AGAIN when my mom got re-married.  Into two brand new, housing development "little boxes" homes.  Again, one mile away from each other.

My dorm.  Another haunted home of mine.  This one was even scarier.

My first apartment in the ghetto of Pittsburgh.  The first time I saw water bugs and centipedes.  Dear my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ PLEASE never let me see them again.

My second apartment, across the street from the first.  With two of my best girlfriends.  My bedroom door didn't have a handle on it- you had to jimmy it open with a key.  God, college is awesome.

My first apartment in NYC after graduation.  I moved back to Pittsburgh after only a few months to be with my first real-deal boyfriend whose name was Ian.

Ian's apartment in Pittsburgh.  My first time living with a boyfriend.  

Ian and my first disgusting apartment in Chicago.  Also known as the place we got bed bugs.  Seriously the worst thing ever.

Ian and my second apartment in Chicago.  This place was a dream.  A condo in a luxury building!  A swimming pool!  A view of the city AND the park!  A 24 hour concierge!  But then we broke up.  Bye Chicago!

My Dad's new condo.  I moved back in with them to figure out my life.  Living with your parents is challenging when you haven't done it in seven years.

My triumphant return to NYC with my best friend Jordan.  We had a beautiful apartment and amazing times in it.  This was a real home.  It was lovely.  Then Jordan left for the opportunity of his life on the Mary Poppins tour.  And it was time to get my own place.

My home now.  Another dream.  A gorgeous studio in a new building.  There's no furniture in it, but it's all mine.

Oh Dad, You Were Right All Along... (dammit)

When I was little and my awesome dad would be attempting to give his brassy daughter some much needed, wise advice he would often say to me, "LEARN FROM ME, Lindsay..."  
I can still hear his voice saying it in the kitchen while I slathered my Thomas' English Muffin with butter before leaving for High School.  I was sooooo much smarter than him.

I was 17!

I knew about heartbreak- My online boyfriend and I had broken up only four years ago!
I knew about money- I had a part time job at a sandwich shop (which my father got for me)!


I was an ADULT, dammit and I wanted to make sure he knew it!
Advice from someone who loved me and basically lived just to make sure my life would turn out spledidly?  Pfffffft!  I'll listen to my giggly 17 year old girlfriends, thankyouverymuchDAD!

Lookit that man.  That is a man who knows a thing or two about the right way to get to the mall.

As I've aged - 10 years since then - I feel like one of the GREATEST lessons that life (and Dad) has taught me is that it's OKAY to ask for help.  And it's OKAY to take and use someone's advice.

It doesn't mean your initial, gut decision was wrong- simply that the people who love you are giving you advice because they want what's BEST for you- THEY'RE loved one.

It doesn't mean you are immature and stupid- to the contrary, I've delightfully found many people to be quite impressed when I'm able to go to them and ask their opinion.

It doesn't mean you're weak and unable to fend for yourself- big fat, stinking nope all over that one.  That feeling of "weakness"?  I personally think that's PRIDE trying to make a sneaky getaway out of your body.  And you know what?  Let it go.  PRIDE is like that crappy college boy who always made us feel insecure and "less-than".  Oh we kept that boy around- we thought we NEEDED that boy.  We cried and felt uncomfortable when he left us for another unknowing Freshman girl.  But in the end, you were BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.  That's PRIDE.
Let pride go, drink some Franzia with your girlfriends and feel GREAT the next day.


I now make it a point to always ask people for advice- much to Dad's excitement.  Because everyone's life has taken them on different journeys- so by asking someone else for their thoughts on the situation you can LEARN FROM THEM.  Learn things you would have never known otherwise...

It's kinda like the first time you ever played The Oregon Trail with your cool babysitter- they were seasoned pioneers who knew to NEVER caulk and float your wagon.  If they weren't there beside you to offer such sage advice you would have CLEARLY lost that deck of cards you bought back in Town.  And WHAT would Bob, Phyllis, Alexander and Rochelle do without that deck of cards?

"Avoid all these dramatics and just take the damn ferry!" Is what Dad woulda said.

Now I know whoever is reading this might be like, "Okay #1 this Blogger template is pretty crappy, Lindsay.  And #2 But what about making your OWN decisions and taking CHANCES and getting your OWN hands dirty in the process???"

And to that I say- Yup!  You can do that too!  I've gotten my hands dirty all across this US of A.  I've heard the advice and laughed it off.  And sometimes it's paid off to do my own thang and not play by the rules.  And sometimes I've fallen flat on my ass.  I don't think either way is the wrong way.  I just believe you have nothing to lose by asking advice, or listening to others' stories.

Each person you meet in your life is like a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica- so why not just soak up as much of that knowledge as you can?

Ohmigod remember this guy?  See HE is someone who should have taken his friends' advice and not worn that denim button up.

That's why I started this little Blogger.  Because maybe one of my friends or some random person who accidentally typed in this domain name will read one of my harrowing life tales and be able to relate- or be able to take something away from what I've lived and learned.

Well, that and the boredom.  The boredom is part of the reason I'm doing this, too.

(See?  If I was taking people's advice right now I'd be reading The Hunger Games instead of writing this blog.  Fools!  Mwahahaha!)

So yeah, anyway...


LEARN FROM ME,
Lindsay