Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, and All of Our Hair Clogs The Bathroom Drain

Recently I made a gigantic life decision and decided to move in with my amazing boyfriend Ryan.  Now, before I start in on my list of observations I've found while living with my partner, I will make this disclaimer just so everyone knows this is all written with a wink and a smile.

RYAN IS SO GREAT AND I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE THAN FOOD THAT IS SALTY AND SWEET AT THE SAME TIME.

Sorry, NutRageous.

Now that I got that out of the way, let's get down to the nitty-gritty, which is that the first few months of living with your significant other can be compared to Jane Goodall's career.  You feel like a completely different species from them- boy or girl, gay or straight.  Even if you've spent years in a relationship, you will begin learning new things about this person the second you get a shared set of keys.

"You don't like coconut?  What do you mean?  Who doesn't like cocunut?  How didn't I know that about you?  But didn't you eat macaroons s at your sister's Quincenera the other night?  Oh coconut  COOKIES don't count?  Hmmmmmmmm....."

Ryan and I have been living together for over a month, and both of us have shacked up with exes in the past-  because of this, and many talks had with friends who have recently decided to co-inhabit, I know that these realizations aren't confined to only my relationship:

PINTEREST WONDERLANDS WEREN'T BUILT IN A DAY.

Here's a short list within a list of things I've said I will have in my new apartment:

Chalkboard wall

Patio bistro set

Accent wall with adorable wallpaper, probably chevron patterned

Friends and family sterling silver picture frame wall

Energy saving lightbulbs in every lighting fixture

Every powder or grain from our pantry stored in cute bottles

Drafting table
Collection of vintage aprons

Vanity

Every single thing we own labeled
Printed Instagram photos

Pet bowls mounted on wall
Magnetic makeup storage
A really clean washing machine that I clean with homemade gunk
And a pool.

Seriously just shut the fuck up, Pinterest. 

That's just for starters, of course.  I haven't begun to touch on how I will antique all of our furniture by hand.

Pinterest and Etsy have both illuminated the beauty of home life and destroyed every woman's confidence.  We all want to nest and decorate and have this warm, amazing base to curl up in at night with our partner while we watch Dexter marathons and knit homemade tea cozies.

However, sometimes men have an opinion on what they want their house to look like, too! 

WHAT?!  

Go read your Sports Illustrated and leave the draperies to the women!

But seriously- that dream home that you had so perfectly drawn out in Pinterest boards, all labeled as intricately as your dream medicine cabinet, MIGHT take longer than a few weeks to put together.  Or you might have to come up with a NEW dream home... TOGETHER.  Cause oddly enough, some men don't want to accent the inside of their front doors with fuscia paint.  Weird.

GET READY TO SEE SOME GROSS STUFF

Human beings are innately disgusting and now your dirty laundry is all in the same place.  And I don't mean that figuratively.
Girls, get ready to see what gym socks look like when they solidify from sweat.
Guys... "period panties".  I don't think I need to say anything else.  
True love exists when you see these things and you still wanna tear those gross, high school basketball team sweatpants off your partner and take a trip to Pound Town. 

YOUR LOVED ONE WILL SEE WHAT YOU ACTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A TODDLER

Wanna know why?  Cause you're gonna throw tantrums.  I don't care how old you are, what sex you are, how zen you think you are... you are going to have a day when you just can't handle the Comcast hotline for one more goddamn minute and lose your shit.

You'll have a tantrum, and depending on how long you've been together and how honest you've been about yourself prior to living together, your partner may or may not know how to handle this moment.  (Personal Sidenote:  Ryan is awesome at handling tantrums, you'd think he taught at a Co-Op Preschool).
Every human being has a breaking point, and I think a true test of your relationship comes from how you both learn to help each other out of the bottomless, terrifying, boiling lava pit of a temper-tantrum.

If only Pierce Brosnan had known that Grandma had a sore spot for people who double-park.  Wasn't Dante's Peak awesome?

THE HAIR... OH MY GOD, THE HAIR...

I've lived with a lot of girls who do this weird thing where they pull their hair out in the shower, stick it to the shower wall and then just leave it there like it's a trophy.  I never ever ever understood that.  However, now that I live with a man...

Cue the beard trimmings.

Now, Ryan's facial hair is a thing of art, don't get me wrong...   but if I didn't rush to the bathroom after his daily groomings, it would look a lot like Scrooge McDuck's room full of gold coins...
But it would be filled with beard hair instead of coins...
And my nephews would never want to come over and watch me dive into it.

Ry wants to shave off his chops today!  WOOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

YOU ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF SHIT REALLY QUICKLY

Did you drink the last beer?... Why are we already out of tomato sauce?... Is the car seriously on empty?...

Get that Costco membership now, cause your ass is gonna be running out of stuff EVERY DAMN DAY!  When I was single, a bottle of body wash would last me approximately 5.5 years.  Now that I live with a man, that bottle was EMPTY in a month.  And I'm sure he can say the same thing about me and how long a quart of Yellowtail lasts with me around, I KNOW I'm not innocent in this, I suck at many things. 

But it really is mindblowing when you see how fast SHARED items disappear. 

When you have a roommates, you always seem to have 15 bottles of salad dressing tumbling out of your refrigerator door...  But when you're in love and splitting the groceries, it's like a fucking free-for-all in that fridge! 

Be prepared to handle this financial shock, and take a breath when you're sitting on the toilet and realize that you weren't warned that you are out of toilet paper.  That's what napkins from take-out lunches are for.

Spencer Johnson approves wiping with Wendy's.



I've been in a relationship that ended while I lived with the man.  Living together can show someone's true colors that you might not like the shade of.  This is really sad, I know... but it can be good to find out before you make an even LARGER committment to each other.  And honestly, doing a fast and furious move out is easier than dealing with a divorce in the long run, I'm pretty sure. 

Yes, moving in together is putting a big bet on the table... but it can pay off...

If you're one of the lucky ones, living with your signicant other will feel like having a sleepover every day!  You get to hang out in your pajamas, do crafts, cook yummy meals, watch TV all night and even drink and have sex without the worry of your parents walking in on you!  You will learn something new about your loved one constantly, and you will always know that at the end of a horrendously shitty day you get to go home to your BEST FRIEND.... but a best friend who spoons you at night and tells you tomorrow will be better.

That is a truly amazing feeling worth way more than an extra bottle of Suave Professionals Mint + Rosemary Moisturizing Shampoo.

This is MY motherfucking bathroom, Pinterest! In your face, you cold heartless wench!!!!!!

 

PITTSBURGH: The Good, The Bad, and The Alcohol Poisoning

As discussed earlier this month, I have lived in a lot of different cities.  I've gotten to know the food, the public transportation, and the real estate in each city... it's been quite a trip.  And each city is drastically different from the next, (anyone who tells you Chicago is just a smaller version of New York is high on Willy Wonka drugs).

I would like to take the opportunity to state loud and proud my personal opinion on each of these cities.
Because I am opinionated.
And I am loud.
And I get tired of people putting their hands in my face and dismissing me just because they disagree with my opinion.  This way, if you hate what I think about your city (which, keep in mind, was also my city for a time) you can just flame me on Facebook or something!

Deal?... Deal.

First stop...

PITTSBURGH, PA

I lived in Pittsburgh for four years during college, where I went to Point Park University to get my BFA in Musical Theater.  I left for a few months after graduation to sublet in New York, but found myself back in Pittsburgh with my ex-boyfriend for another year soon after.

TOTAL YEARS LIVED IN PITTSBURGH:  5 & change
HOMES IN PITTSBURGH:  4, including my dorm.

                      

Why is Ben Roethlisberger  so violent when he lives in such a beautiful place?

PITTSBURGH IS A MAGICAL PLACE
Scoff at this if you've never been there, but this city has charisma.  Stay with me, on this...
I moved here straight from Seattle, and the first time I saw downtown I burst into tears.
It was so ugly.
I was used to huge, sparkling skyscrapers and a view of the mountains!  This was.... dirty.  I remember the first time I smelled those hair oils that were sold on card tables on the sidewalks... I thought they were drugs.
Not kidding.  I was young.
But as time went on I learned how truly ethereal this city could be.  It is a major city that is run by students.  The area of Oakland, where most of the college kids live is simply electric.
Now, something you have to understand about Oakland is that most of the housing in the area should be condemned, or has been condemned but the people living there couldn't care less if their ceiling caves in on them cause they only pay $350 in rent.  Think about this... Carnegie Mellon kids who are paying $150,000 for their degree in architecture are just chilling on these decrepit stoops, alongside the low-income families and gangbangers, drinking stale Lionshead out of red Solo cups.  Everyone has a little bit of a biting edge to them- even the "woo-hoo!" girls in their jean mini-skirts and sequined, pink, babydoll cut Steelers shirts seem like they are fully capable of punching a cop in the face.

The whole area smells like deli meat, sweat, gasoline, one night stands, and beer. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
I once watched a guy I took acting class with rip a GNC marquis off a building during a Steelers Superbowl riot IN FRONT OF COPS IN RIOT GEAR (imagine what would happen if the Pirates did anything worthwhile.)  I watched my coworkers start a rebellion against our 60 year old manager of Primanti Brothers because he called me a bitch, while the UPMC doctors on their lunch break cheered us on and ate their overstuffed sandwiches, "Fuck authority!  We'll burn this place to the ground with you guys!"  This is a very honest, proud and tough city.  And it will make you tougher.  It will slap you on the back of the head and tell you to stop being such a fancypants- go out there and get your hands dirty!

CITY OF BRIDGES AND WATER BUGS
Oh my God, have you ever seen a water bug?
Have you ever seen LOTS of them IN YOUR APARTMENT YOU JUST MOVED INTO?
Nightmareland!
See, the downfall of having students run rampant in your city is that it slowly starts to turn your city into a toilet.  It's simple arithmetic, really.

Poor, Desperate Students + An Old, Poor City =

Pittsburgh can be pretty rough.
The streets are cracked and eroded, the drivers are terrifyingly aggressive, the police have had-it-up-to-here with your nonsense, there is a surprisingly active gang scene, the weather pushes your body to the limits and there are bugs everywhere.  There seems to be no rush to spruce up Oakland whatsoever... and these buildings are falling apart at the seams.  However, the slumlords keep signing leases to unsuspecting Freshmen while their parents look on, horrified.
"How slummy IS IT?!"
Our apartment's front door fell off it's hinges.  Like, just gave up one day and fell off it's hinges!  And I don't blame it... it was probably 110 years old!  But that's how run-down these buildings are- the landlords couldn't care less and you convince yourself you don't either... that it's all part of this magical Pittsburgh experience.  

We had a funeral for our door.  As you can see, I wore my nicest outfit.

Another sucky thing about living in a college town is that you are surrounded by people in college.  Yes, this can be pretty sweet when you yourself are in college and it's all a  big, fun, smelly experiment... but when you're still there after graduation it can weigh on your nerves a bit.  Everywhere you look there's some dude in a "vintage" Pitt shirt with a snakebite piercing and Jack Kerouac tattoo telling you how lame your taste in music is.  Add to that the incessant partying and the absence of shits college kids give about anything... it can feel a bit like you are running a daycare full of hung over American Apparel models.

People who love Pittsburgh really love Pittsburgh.  It's very admirable.  And there's something to be said about a city that hasn't changed much since the 1970s.  When Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato placed a 10% tax on poured liquor in order to raise money for Public Transit, bars throughout Pittsburgh revolted and listed this tax as THE ONORATO TAX on receipts, as well as posting threatening signs in their windows.

$3.83?!  How will I feed my children?!

They might be the only human beings alive that revolted against the smoking ban in bars, too.  They basically just REALLY LIKE REVOLTING and staying just as they are.

Pittsburgh is like your accidentally-racist Grandpa who wears a "Who Farted?" hat, and smokes through his stoma.

But then again...wasn't that always the Grandpa that gave you a taste of his beer when you were a kid?  And dammit, even though he might get you kicked out of Applebees, you can't help but loving the old, stinky curmudgeon.

That's Pittsburgh.

We made snowballs out of the dirty snow from the filthy streets of the projects, then we poured bottom-shelf Peach Schaaps on them, then we ate them. 

 This is also known as one of the best nights of my life.  

LEARN FROM ME,

Lindsay